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Shape Ups

  Not the sneakers Joe Montana pretends to wear. We’re talking about the ridiculously meticulous corners cut into men’s hairlines, ever-present on Jersey Shore. While this doo works for some, quite often the grossly deformed and lumpy heads we typically ignore become all the more apparent when augmented with perfect right-angles at the temples. The hairstyle has gotta go. Come to think of it…


Jersey Shore Meatheads

  Got damnit, quit ruining my time at the bar. I paid six bucks for this damn beer and you just fist-pumped it all over the floor. I’d engage in confrontation but I’m afraid you’d channel your inner Chris Benoit and everybody in the club would wind up in tomorrow’s news.


Aggressive Bicyclists

  We get it; your carbon footprint is small and you have a right to the road. But you know what? If my gas-guzzling pickup comes into contact with your Schwinn, my truck’s gonna win. I guarantee it. Yeah, we share the road, but only in the way an older brother and little brother share a bedroom. Know your place, pedalist!


Brazen Squirrels

  You see these bold little bastards all over the city; they’ll sneak up and steal your lunch right out from under your nose. Same goes for their dirty bird brethren, the pigeons.


Philly-Born Cowboys Fans

  Your existence is an anomaly. In the City of Brotherly Love, you are hardwired to hate. Your disdain for the Eagles and infatuation with the Cowboys defies explanation. Thankfully, you do serve a purpose and thus maybe we might just keep you around; at any local gathering, you are the surefire punching bag, the common ground upon which we trample.



The Pat’s/Geno’s Debate and those who Rouse it

  Neither are any good, let alone the best in the city! It’s a stupid quibble that leaves outsiders wondering if our city council spends sessions debating the merits of “whiz wit” versus “whiz wit-out.”


The PPA

  How are we supposed to traverse the city when these parking vigilantes keep bombing us with tickets and booting our whips? While we’re at, let’s get A&E out of here for glorifying these meter maids and their double-parked egos.




about the author
Heyphilly.com Staff
The Heyphilly.com staff possesses insider knowledge of the best bars and restaurants in the city and prides themselves on bringing you the best beer and food specials in town. Think we deserve some lovin' for our no-holds-barred view on the city? How about some thinly-veiled hate mail? Drop us a line here: editorial@aycmedia.com. Either way, we love attention.

 
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