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There are few things more depressing and cringe-worthy than passing a uniquely bad business so poorly thought-out and executed that you can almost hear the haunting screams of the business owner’s soon-to-be-starving family as you walk by. And in these tough times, when the amount of air in our bags of chips outweighs the actual amount of potato, the dreams of entrepreneurs are being shattered more often than the mirrors in Carrot Top’s home. 
 
 
"Tire Service"

 
Owner’s Logic: “They won't ever know it's not the REAL Michelin Man!“

Problem: Wow, where to start. For one, I’ve passed this tire shop almost every day for the past four years and the garage has been caving in for, you guessed it, four years. Question: Why would I trust someone to change my tire, or even touch my precious '95 Honda Accord when they can’t tell that the roof above their head is about to collapse, causing some horrific and fatal tire-store injury? Second problem: No one is buying that fake Michelin man your six-year-old kid painted on the side of your “shop.” I’ve made bowel movements that look more than the Michelin Man than this sad excuse for a business mascot. A mascot should inspire customers, not freak them out; the only thing this mongoloid makes me want to do is put a gun in my mouth.

Solution: Let the damn thing collapse already so I can get on with my life.

"Maita Day & Nignt Care"

  Owner’s Logic: Not Applicable

Problem: Why would I ever trust my children, or whatever “Maita” is offering care for, with a person who not only can’t spell the word “night” correctly but who doesn’t have enough forethought to second guess their own pitiful attempt to utilize the a language that is so obviously foreign to them. I wouldn’t trust Maita to charge my cell phone over night, let alone take care of another human being or appliance.

Solution: Either burn down your business and scrap the assets or invent something called a “nignt” to take care of.

OK Hair Beauty

  Owner’s Logic: "I want patrons to recognize our quality human hair wigs, but I don’t want to be too pushy about it.”

Problem: The owner’s inferiority complex is obviously too staggering to allow for a proper title for this business. I’m no ad-wizard, but shouldn’t a business’ name inspire more than just mediocrity?

Solution:  Just add and “A” in front of the “ok” and turn this unsure business title into a quaint, neighborhood wig store that everyone will assume is run by immigrants.

“Family Happy Joy Restaurant”

  Owner’s Logic: “I have no idea what to name my restaurant and rather than simply call it 'Restaurant' I will mindlessly string together words with positive associations.”

Problem: OK, Happy Joy is obviously redundant but I dig the way it rolls off the tongue and subtly references Ren & Stimpy. But the “family” precursor comes off as merely an after thought. I mean, what type of restaurant doesn’t cater to families? (No, Delilah’s is not a restaurant.)

Solution: If you really want to separate yourself from the herd, make it a point to tell your customers that yours is a non-family friendly restaurant. Then, everyone will want to check out the restaurant that, for some curious reason, doesn’t allow kids. This way you’ll conjure images of naked waitresses, cock fights and illegal gambling that will give you a stranglehold on the large demographic of unfit parents in Philadelphia.

Here It Is!

  Owner’s Logic: “Come on! It’ll so be worth it when patrons round the corner and say in unison ‘Oh, HERE it is!’”

Problem: Ok, although I like the caricature drawing attention to your bar like a Barker Beauty would but your signage is seriously lacking a modern tinge, making me think your bar should be called “Here it was” instead.

Solution: Update the circa 70's girl to match the current trends. Maybe have her holding an iPhone and a picture of Obama with a caption saying something topical like, “It’s so 3008!

“Grandma’s Beauty Salon and Nailery”

  Owner’s Logic: “Don’t even act like I’m not the freshest Grandma in this town!”

Problem: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a grandma do your hair (my grandma gives me a bowl-cut every other week after church). But having said that, it may be hard to attract younger clients with styles such as the honeybee, the flapper and the standard geriatric.

Solution: If you're going to keep the whole grandma angle, why not make it a grandma that patrons beyond your neighborhood can recognize, such as Grandma Winslow from the hilarious sitcom Family Matters. She’s hip, fresh, streetwise and knows when to drop that good old granny knowledge on out-of-line teens when they need it the most.
 

“Water Ice”

  Owner’s Logic: “This will be a great way to lure small children into my shack so that I can eat their bones.”

Problem: Let’s say you really do offer everything advertised on your beautifully handcrafted storefront. The issue I have is that you couldn’t even fit one of each item into the hilariously cramped vestibule. Also, the “beware of dog” sign hanging next to your store may deter seniors and small children.

Solution: Play to your strengths. The “love is the best investment” moniker shows that your snack shack has more than salty treats to offer--it also has wisdom to impart. Perhaps consider a different business angle, such as The Mystic Hermit’s Snack Shack and Ascetic Treats and Wisdom. 
 


about the author
Heyphilly.com Staff
The Heyphilly.com staff possesses insider knowledge of the best bars and restaurants in the city and prides themselves on bringing you the best beer and food specials in town. Think we deserve some lovin' for our no-holds-barred view on the city? How about some thinly-veiled hate mail? Drop us a line here: editorial@aycmedia.com. Either way, we love attention.
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