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RULE #1: Creative Is Romantic (and Cheap)

Listen, Kay Jewelers. We see right through your ploy to throw a Black Keys track behind those highly unlikely scenarios depicted in your commercials. But just so you know, we've never heard of anyone who has fallen in love over an "open heart" necklace, nor do we approve of your somewhat-clever (but ultimately irritating) tagline about kisses beginning with "Kay". So everyone, do yourselves a favor and air on the side of originality; we promise, unless your date is a Kardashian, it really is the thought that counts.


RULE #2: Pretend You Planned It

If you haven't already booked a dinner reservation for V-Day, you still have a few options. You can click here for a list of spots that you may still be able to swing, or you can hop on the train to bullshit town and figure out a Plan B. Load up your iPod with Buble and get started on your plan to cook a four-course meal based entirely on Season 5 of Top Chef. Even if your risotto tastes more like rice pudding, your date will appreciate the apparent foresight.

RULE #3: Ignore the News Feed

Spending time scrolling through your phone is going to throw a proverbial wrench into any one-on-one social situation. Unless you're trying to oust your date as the mayor on FourSquare, it's best to put your phone on silent and realize that nothing earth-shattering is going to happen on Twitter, Facebook or whatever social networking site has you aflutter these days. Save the news feed checking for the post-date ride home in your Chevy Cruze.

RULE #4: Avoid the Feather Nest Inn

This rule can actually be applied not only to Valentine's Day, but also to life in general. Unless you're okay with treating your date like a bonafide escort (or she actually is one), stay away from any facility that gives you room rates by the hour. This isn't a snarky rom-com and we can almost guarantee that your date will see no ironic humor in having a reservation in the Paris-themed room on the side of a major highway... at least for the next three hours.

RULE #5: No Public Transportation

The last thing your date wants to do after spending three painstaking hours getting ready is to sit in a urine-soaked seat next to a 500-pound man with a sweat gland disorder. Also, taking public transportation on a special occasion is sort of like putting a bumper sticker on a Bugatti: it cheapens the whole experience. Spend the extra 20 dollars for a cab ride or better yet, invent a gondola that runs on trolley tracks, at least your date with be impressed with your craftsmanship and thrifty mindset.

RULE #6: Nix your expectations

Whether you're hightailing it to dinner with your boyfriend of four years or meeting some girl from Match.com at whatever spot Zagat told you is best, keep in mind that not all Valentines are created equal. Lest we remind you, dear reader, this holiday is mostly advertising-driven and is in no way an invitation to analyze, mentally strategize or otherwise apply ridiculously convoluted standards to your unsuspecting date. Save that for your birthday.


about the author
Alex Torban
Having abandoned a career in investigative journalism, Alex Torban has quickly carved her niche with a Yelp-like knowledge of all things fabulous (or not so) in Philadelphia . A self-proclaimed "champagne bubble of a girl," Torban has no qualms about her vivacious personality, unconventional editorial style and love affair with Sauvignon Blanc.
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