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All of us have probably experienced the whimsical enchantment that is the Philly corner store. Like a rare geode or diamond in the rough, these ambiguously marked haunts contain wonderfully obscure items at third-world prices. Conveniently located in neighborhoods where it is easier to find a cheesesteak egg roll than a piece of fruit, corner stores provide a welcome alternative to the homogeny of Rite Aid and 7-11, allowing both the hardened street tough and innocent child to order Dipsy Doodles beside one another.

As a North Philly resident, I would often find myself peering through thick, plexi-glass windows and roaming dusty aisles with a measly few cents and my impeccable bargaining savvy. My travails were often rewarded with unrivaled treasures, such as the delicious $4 chicken cheese steak platter at 21st and Diamond Streetor the mysteriously delicious, yet anatomically impossible, chicken ring.

In addition to the occasional deal, I would often come across absurdly useless products whose mere existence was more unbelievable than the thought of an actual human being purchasing it. Featured below, for your amusement, are a few of these utterly insulting corner store bargains that will challenge your faith in capitalism forever.

Blue Ribbon Premium Dog Treats

Blue Ribbon Premium dog treats allow your dog dignity and sophistication while eating what is essentially compacted trash. Notice the finely minced bits of newspaper and hair, seamlessly packed into the dubious “Burger” patty. I’d sooner feed my dog his own fecal matter before I allow him to ingest this putrid excuse for dog food. If I think hard enough, I can see the insidious Blue Ribbon executives lighting their cigars with $20 bills and laughing at anyone dumb enough to buy their recycled trash.

Probable Customer Logic: “I’ve always felt like my dog should be wearing a tuxedo.”


Baby King Belly Button Binder

Aside from sounding like a medieval torture device, the Baby King Belly Button Binder’s only use is preventing your spiteful tears from falling onto your child. Basically serving the same purpose as regular piece of cloth, the marketing geniuses behind this item might have overestimated the public’s demand for needlessly binding a baby’s precious orifices.

Probable Customer Logic: “I do need a way to prevent the scorpions inside my baby’s body from escaping.”


Horny Goat Weed

Don’t waste your time with nosey doctors assuming they know everything about your erectile dysfunction when the same guy who sold you that Spiderman 3 bootleg has just what you need. Notice the packaging’s tacit animal eroticism, assuring customers of its ability to increase your libido to levels comparable to that of a virile goat.

Probable Customer Logic: “I mean, who really has the time to buy their sexual stimulants and hoagies at different places?”


Rap Snacks

With this unintentionally hilarious marketing ploy, Master P has managed to pull of the most successful hip-hop/snack crossover to date. Attaining the widely sought after title, “The official snack of hip-hip,” Rap Snacks offer inspiring flavors such as Lil’ Romeo’s Barbeque N’ with My Honey or Master P’s Platinum Barbeque. Notice that Rap Snacks also provide useful advice for disadvantaged inner city teens such as “Stay in School” or “Start Your Own Business." With great advice like this, it’s a wonder inner-city kids still struggle with adversity. Visit www.rapsnacks.com and witness the most pitiful website every created.

Probable Customer Logic: "I’m tired of eating boring, non-hip-hop-inspired snacks that don’t even bother to make generic assumptions about my life choices.”


Cocoa Drops

There are so many cereal knock-offs to love but Cocoa Drops is the only cereal with enough attitude for my breakfast. The phrase, “Keep it simple” on the front of the box essentially scolds you for even daring to think about eating any other brand name cereal. In addition the line, “Pay only for taste,” lets you know that Cocoa Drops lovers aren’t the type of cereal eaters to get pushed around by phony-baloney breakfast execs charging high prices for ingredients other than taste.

Probable Customer Logic: “My kids need to earn the right to eat brand-name cereal.”


St. Barbara Spray

As far as theologically inspired aerosols go, St. Barbara Spray will meet every one of your metaphysical cleansing needs. Its power resides in a sacred ancient recipe including: grains of paradise, cloves, patchouli and sandalwood. By bonding with the odor and neutralizing the bacteria St. Barbara spray is able to “…gain power over others and as a symbol for sensual pleasure.” Congratulate anyone buying this product because that means they were able to escape the Dark Scarab Lord’s evil spell trapping them in their own home. * Buyer beware, do not mix this product with Horny Goat Weed or you may break a hole in the love/space/time continuum.

Probable Customer Logic: “Finally, a mystic spiritual spray that gets rids of those pesky pet odors AND enables me to control souls on the astral plane.”


My Lovely Pony

More of a cruel joke than a children’s toy, this cheap imitation includes not one, but two combs for you to comb Lovely Pony’s non-existent hair. A wonderful way to teach your children about the letdowns of real life but still a complete failure when it comes to the top-of-the-line pony products standards I expect from a manufacturer.

Probable Customer Logic: “It’s a great way to tell little Jenny that she may be going bald sometime soon.”




about the author
Chris Lipczynski
A Temple University graduate, Chris Lipczynski's love affair with Philadelphia has afforded him an intimate knowledge of even the darkest recesses of the city. Interesting facts about Chris include: he is an avid redditor, his family hails from the deep south (Philly) and he has never eaten a candy apple.
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