Javier Bardem vs. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Winner: Seriously, these two could be the same actor a la the Olsen twins past monopoly on child-labor. But Javier Bardem is just too bad-ass in No Country For Old Men. No one else, not even Jeffrey Dean Morgan can pull off the scary Amish boy look like Bardem. It's also hard not to think that Jeffrey Dean Morgan has probably wore a bowl-cut wig and convinced at least a few L.A. floozies that he actually was Bardem.
Nick Nolte vs. Gary Busey
Winner: Nick Nolte wins by one crazy, meth soaked hair. For as long as I can remember I've confused these two bat-shit crazies. It's almost as if they're the same person existing in parallel planes that only differ depending on what drug each incarnation chooses to abuse. Also, Busey hasn't had a good performance since Fear and Loathing, which doesn't even come close to Nolte's role in the astounding drama, Affliction.
Sarah Jessica Parker vs. Horse vs. Dee Snider
Winner: The horse. It is a well-known fact that Sarah Jessica Parker and Dee Snider are twin who were separated at birth by their parents, a clydesdale and Bozo the Clown. Ok, maybe the horse is a cop out. If we were forced to choose, we'd have go with Dee Snider because he has better make-up and compared to SJP, posseses the talent of Mozart himself.
Chad Smith vs. Will Ferrell
Winner: Though it's a close match-up, Will Ferrell wins simply because he had nothing to do with the lyrics to the song, "Parallel Universe". Chad Smith, while probably a nice man, also lacks the ability to make me laugh at the same exact gag over and over again.
Peter Jackson vs. Guillermo del Torro
Winner: Guillermo del Toro. Sure they looked alike while Peter Jackson still understood that directors are supposed to be fat, pale and bearded man (see Kubrick, Wells). While both got their start making seriously gross and awesome films (Meet the Feebles, Cronos), Pan's Labyrinth strikes this author as the purer, more enduring film.
Zac Efron vs. Jared Leto
Winner: Niether. No one wins when Charlie St. Cloud and 30 Seconds to Mars are involved.
Katy Perry vs. Zoe Deschanel
Winner: Everyone wins when it comes to this competition. Though, if we're judging who their signifcant others are, Deschanel wins in a landslide (frontman for Death Cab) as I'd rather hang out with a sewer rat than chill with the attention whore/skeleton man, Russel Brand.
Richard Lewis vs. Jon Stewart
Winner: Jon Stewart wins by a nose. Though both are self-loathing New Yorkers, Richard Lewis' comedy only succeeds in making me hate Richard Lewis's comedy even more.
Erica Christensen vs. Julia Stiles
Winner: Julia Stiles. Maybe it's because Stiles was in the recent season of our favorite show, Dexter, though she may win by default considering Christensen starred in Swimfan and seems to be perpetually casted as a poor man's Julia Stiles time and time again.
Daniel Radcliffe vs. Elijah Wood
Winner: Elijah Wood. If we're comparing Lord the Rings to Harry Potter, LOTR wins every time. Though Radcliffe is just starting non-Potter endeavors, Woods has been a part of solid films (Sin City, Everything is Illuminated, North) since as long as I can remember. Also, he made for one memorable Huck Finn.
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