Every year we all go through the same old routine, making wild and impossible promises to lose that extra 300 lbs, cure cancer and finally adopt a Chinese helper-monkey (You will be mine Junjie). New Year’s resolutions reflect the human need for renewal, but curiously enough, they almost always end up showing us how tightly we cling to our daily routines and comfortable vices.
Since most studies show that larger groups are more capable of accomplishing an agreed upon task, we think that Philly, as a city, should make its own New Year’s resolutions. And as a town that’s quickly moving into the 21st century, Philly is going to need to buckle down to keep itself on track to beat Portland when it comes to who has the better unemployed, hippy drum circles.
1. We Promise Not to (Completely) Humiliate the Yankees
We get it- the Yanks are America’s team (for now) and destroying them into a fine powdered, blue dust would sort of screw up baseball for at least a little while. However, this certainly doesn’t mean that we can’t pour beer on the wives of Yankee’s pitchers, or better yet, unleash that kid who puked on the cop into the streets of New York.
2. Mayor Nutter Will Learn a new Rap Song
Ok, the first time you heard Mayor Nutter perform “Rapper’s Delight” was pretty cool- I mean, dude looked like a dork minus the pocket protector. But after hearing Nutter’s flow again and again, we think it’s time for him to pick a new song. Perhaps this will better suit him.
3. Someone will hose down the sidewalks in Chinatown
No fancy reasoning for this one. Your food is delicious but the sidewalks seem to always ruin my appetite. They smell. Someone needs to clean them. That is all.
4. We Will Drive Faster on 76
Route 76 is probably the most hated inanimate object since Jeff Dunham's ventriloquist doll. Why am I stopping all of the sudden? What genius engineer decided to build a highway on the side of a cliff? Also, can we stop using the term "Conshohocken Curve"? I don't even know where that is and I'm pretty sure someone told me I can see it from my desk.
5. Everyone will Play Nice at The Sugarhouse
The Sugarhouse has brought revenue to the city as well as some serious criticism. Although beatings and child abuse are no stranger to Philly, one can't help but think the added draw of a multi-million dollar casino has called attention to our city's more "unlucky" citizens. So from now on, let's just treat it like a really cool Dave and Buster's.
6. Our Sports Fans Will (Finally) Chill Out
After spending years in that purgatory between a winning season and winning a championship, our fans are one bad call away from a nationally-televised meltdown. But, judging from the Dallas-loving blonde chick who we saw flailing, cursing and generally trying to evade FIVE security guards at the Linc this past weekend, it's not our year to be pissed off. We'll leave that to the teams who don't have Vick. Or Lee.
7. The City Will Translate Their Impossible-To-Decipher Parking Signage
Seriously. We've lived in Philly for years and we still have trouble determining whether it's "no parking anytime" or "free parking" at 6pm on a Wednesday. Make it easier for us to determine the meaning of your parking-speak and we'll make it easier for you to give us a ticket without us having to smack, haggle or otherwise threaten your livelihood with our misplaced rage and fear of adding another ticket to our ever-growing tab.
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