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The Success of That Thing Called Ke$ha
Ke$ha, seen here looking like the Ultimate Warrior circa 1992, seems as if she's some scientifically engineered compliation containing the worst celebrity characteristics without any of the actual talent. While her songs can be catchy (though still generally annoying) her "performance" on SNL earlier this year solidified her as the freshest shit sandwich since Spinal Tap. Also, Busta Rhymes called, he wants his creativity back.

Cancelation of Party Down
Why would anyone ever cancel the best new comedy since 30 Rock after only two seasons? Either Showtime wants us to suffer through another seriously unfunny season of Hung or Jane Lynch has one powerful arch nemesis. Also, this must have come as a pretty big blow to the hilarious Ken Marino’s career considering I haven’t seen him in anything significant since MTV’s The State.

George Lopez Tonight
I prefer George Lopez never. Not tonight, not tomorrow and not any other day. This guy makes Carlos Mencia look like George Carlin, and giving him a show in the Late Show timeslot is a serious offense to Jimmy Fallon's comedy- which is no small feat. Also, Lopez’s wife gave him her kidney and in return he cheated on her and filed for divorce. Classy, Lopez, real classy.

Dancing With the Stars Mania
I will never understand why this show is so popular. If I wanted to see celebrities trip and fall to the soundtrack of Grease, I’d hire Dustin Diamond to work my niece’s bat mitzvah. Also, have you seen some of the people that pass for “celebrities” these days? Who the hell is Kyle Massey and why is he on my TV screen? The only plus side of the show comes from getting to watch idiots like Bristol Palin and Kate Gossling have their egos godsmacked.

Glee
Why on earth must we waste Jane Lynch’s talent on a non-funny weekly musical that's maybe one up-tempo basketball song away from the caliber of High School Musical? I don’t give a shit about musicals, period, and one that tries to be socially relevant is even worse--sort of like when your barber tries to give you medical advice.

AT&T Phases out unlimited Data
Since I wasn’t lucky enough to be grandfathered into an unlimited data plan like the princes and princesses of today's mobile elite, I’ll now have to painstakingly check whether that YouTube video I want to pull up is going to put me over my data limit.

I Love Boobies Bracelets
Sure, I get it... the money goes to breast cancer research. But seeing a bunch of 14-year-old D-bags wearing these bracelets just comes off as tacky and somewhat crude. I can only imagine how my teachers would have responded back in the day if I told them my "Female Body Inspector" t-shirt was for cancer research. Whatever happened to simply red or pink ribbons? This issue is making the high school parties I attend much more awkward.

Mario Lopez
Mario Lopez, seen here mocking my very existence, is about as ubiquitous as carbon these days. But while he struts around with the world at his fingertips, mine are glued to this very keyboard, er, writing about freaking Mario Lopez. Get out of my head and off my goddamn TV, Lopez. I can’t watch TV in peace anymore without this asshole’s dimples being shoved in my face.

Kanye's Ding Dong
We get it, Kanye, you're a good artist. But unlike you, my life doesn't revovle around all things Kanye. So the answer is no, I don't want to see your junk on the internet.



about the author
Chris Lipczynski
A Temple University graduate, Chris Lipczynski's love affair with Philadelphia has afforded him an intimate knowledge of even the darkest recesses of the city. Interesting facts about Chris include: he is an avid redditor, his family hails from the deep south (Philly) and he has never eaten a candy apple.
past articles

Top 10 Philly Comedians
Ten of Philly's best homegrown comics that have mastered the art of the open mic.
Into It/Over It: April 2012
Xfinity LIVE on the rise, Pink Slime on the fall.
Complaint Department: Bouncers
During a recent visit to a certain spot with the latter type of management style, we came up with a few complaints about the way bouncers handle their patrons on a busy Saturday night.
Things to look forward To: Spring 2012
Our annual list of things you can look forward to this spring.
April Fool's Day: Office Pranks Guide
Our list of ten office pranks for April Fool's Day that (probably) won't get your fired.
see more articles