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Corey Haim Lives to be 38

Honestly, we were shocked to hear that Corey Haim actually lived that long. The end of the original "lost boy" (whoah, meta) came after a long battle with his addiction to drugs and making shitty movies. And with his painfully scripted “reality” show, The Two Corey’s, morphing into a strangely Freudian expose, something tells me Corey is in a better place. Though, considering Michael Jackson is dead too, we can't help but feel sorry for what is sure to be one lonely Corey Feldman.


Chilean Miner Rescue

The Chilean Miners were great, but we liked them better when they were underground. Ok, so 33 Spanish men trapped in a cave sounds the beginning of either a really bad gay porn or a really good joke. But the Chilean Miners were a global sensation, giving the world something to root for while our bank slowly disappeared and our governments failed us. Though, we can't help but feel a little sorry for the 33rd miner who most likely emerged to find a deserted scene as the celebration probably ended well after his rescue.

First full face transplant

Despite looking a half melted wax sculpture, the first successful face transplant marked the beginning of new era for international spies and the real housewives of New Jersey. You see, in addition to providing horrible disfigured people some much deserved relief, face transplants will also serve the common good as we won't have to look at the inconceivable cluster fuck that is Joan Rivers' face. Also, that stupid scene from Mission Impossible actually makes sense now (but why wouldn't he just ALWAYS wear the mask?!).

Christine O'Donnell

Taking a cue from the recent fad of electing total morons to office, Christine O’Donnell’s run for senate really didn’t come as a surprise. But her seriously miscalculated decision to acknowledge allegations of witchcraft in a campaign commercial makes her about as credible as Balloon Boy's Dad. Couple this blunder with the moment when O’Donnell accidentally revealed that she didn't know separation of church and state is in the constitution and Chris Coons starts to look like Jimmy Carter.

Leslie Nielsen Dies

Though not the most shocking of death (Nielson was 84), Leslie Nielsen’s death marks the end of the comedic era he ushered in with movies like Airplane and Naked Gun (we obviously forgive him for the inevitable shˆt storm of similar movies like Disaster Movie). We can only hope that his final send-off included whoopee cushions, fart machines and what I'm sure would be a hilarious coffin gag.

The Misadventures of Conan the Comedian

In the interest of full disclosure, we here at Heyphilly.com are and were always with Coco. But NBC's decision to remove Conan from the Tonight Show after less than a year confirms our suspicions that the network is run by 75 year old retirees in Florida. Note to NBC staff, if you think Jay Leno is funnier than Conan then you should just go ahead and give your entire primetime lineup to Jeff Dunham, George Lopez, Larry the Cable Guy and Carlos Mencia and call it "Must Kill Yourself TV".


Grill Off Betty White
Betty White was funny for about 10 minutes this year, then her shtick got old and tired fast, much like she probably does after a rousing glass of caffeine free soda. By the time she hosted Saturday Night Live I was actually praying for her to die-that's a little harsh. Let's just say I was hoping for her to develop Gout and become incapacitated on some level.


Wikileaks
With traditional media on its metaphorical death bed, it was only a matter of time before someone (Julian Assange, self-proclaimed "internet activist") took the bait and started giving us the gory details on what our country is really up to. But, as usual, the nation was split on whether the common idiot should have access to such sensitive information. We'll tread carefully and take the fifth here, but we tend to think this kind of dirt is best left to those who actually understand what the hell it is they're talking about.


iPad

Steve Jobs has really outdone himself this time. He took a MacBook, an iPhone and the inability to run Adobe Flash and rolled it all into this really cool, kind of expensive creation--an iPad. According to the commercials, you can create impossibly meticulous graphs that outline your stock portfolio, use it as an amp for your guitar and even allow your cat to work on his piano skills. But honestly, we just use it to play Angry Birds.


Tiger Woods

We genuinely feel bad for this dude. He spent half of his year picking up the pieces of his once highly-regarded golf career and the other half paying for the highly immoral (but arguably scintillating) exploits with everyone from strippers in South Beach to the girl who works at Denny's. Truth be told, his apology press conference was downright ridiculous. The public need not judge him for his actions--hell, if we were that rich, we'd probably just buy Nike and endorse ourselves.


TSA (Gate Rape)

Much like everything else in Philadelphia, the public had a major problem when the airport rolled out the brand-new scanners that show a very real picture of what's underneath your clothes. With the alternative being a no-holds-barred pat down by the slap happy TSA agents, many opted to grin and bear it in the name of homeland security. But, to be honest, we'll take the pat down; it's not like we're getting action anywhere else these days.


Mel Gibson

Having spent the last three years on that list of actors who could have thwarted their own demise (if only he'd kept his mouth shut) we thought Mel Gibson had learned his lesson about checking the padlock on his skeleton-ridden closet. This summer, we learned the opposite was true, as tapes surfaced detailing his rants toward his ex-girlfriend/the mother of his child, in which he slurred and breathed his way through a number of insults that even we won't repeat.


Tazer incident

A quick Google search will yield the kind of results (battery-throwing, forced puking, attacks on visiting teams) that make Philadelphia fans shudder in disgust. But none of those past offenses got the level of coverage that this guy did when he ran onto the field during a Phillies game and managed to thwart the cops long enough to piss them off and eventually take a debilitating tazer to the neck. Weeks later, a copycat pulled the same stunt--only this time, he was arrested for drug possession. Idiot.


Philly Sports

Ok, so we lost two championships and had a hell of a time getting people to pay attention to anything other than our overzealous fan antics (see above). However, we'd argue that it's been quite a banner year for our teams. The Union debuted in May, Vick became starting QB in September (and has since led us back to the top of the NFC East), Lee returned to the Phils in December (a big knock to New Yorkers) and the Sixers are making a decidedly unexpected comeback in the face of a whole lot of grief from other teams. Come 2011, we know the Flyers will make their way back to the 'ship, setting the tone for a trifecta of championship wins.




about the author
Heyphilly.com Staff
The Heyphilly.com staff possesses insider knowledge of the best bars and restaurants in the city and prides themselves on bringing you the best beer and food specials in town. Think we deserve some lovin' for our no-holds-barred view on the city? How about some thinly-veiled hate mail? Drop us a line here: editorial@aycmedia.com. Either way, we love attention.
past articles

Top 10 Philly Comedians
Ten of Philly's best homegrown comics that have mastered the art of the open mic.
Into It/Over It: April 2012
Xfinity LIVE on the rise, Pink Slime on the fall.
Complaint Department: Bouncers
During a recent visit to a certain spot with the latter type of management style, we came up with a few complaints about the way bouncers handle their patrons on a busy Saturday night.
Things to look forward To: Spring 2012
Our annual list of things you can look forward to this spring.
April Fool's Day: Office Pranks Guide
Our list of ten office pranks for April Fool's Day that (probably) won't get your fired.
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