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Dear criminals and miscreants,

How are you? Are you enjoying that BoDeans CD that you stole from me last Christmas? How about those flava-ices you burgled from my grandma's car back in '95? Suffice it to say, I've gotten over the loss of those once-cherished items, but that doesn't mean I've forgiven you for your misdeeds. No, far from it.

You see, your thoughtless impulses to swindle and thieve everything in Philadelphia that isn't nailed down has forced me to change my daily routine into a neurotic dance of paranoia and frustration. Gone are the days of parading down Bainbridge with reckless abandon, sending texts from my brand-new Droid while showcasing my souped-up MacBook Pro for all the less fortunate to see. I can't even leave my car's iPod charger or a filthy sweatshirt in plain view, lest you break every window in my car to get to them. Do you even have an iPod to charge?

For just a second, imagine that you actually have valuables worthy of protection, rather than the viles of crystal meth and Newports that are currently residing in your makeshift residence. Can you fathom how it might feel to be constantly worried that someone may be breaking into your apartment/cardboard box/crack den just because you neglected to secure the padlock? 

Also, do you know how to read? When I leave an enormous sign in my car that clearly states, "Nothing in Car! Don't bother!", this means that you should go to the next Accord without automatic locks (there are many) and break into that one instead. But please, be aware that the masses of law-abiding Philadelphians are starting to get quite perturbed by your incessant criminal tendencies. No longer will we idly sit by while you ruin our perfectly good (or crappy) cars, ill-located apartments or that triathalon bike that we swear was chained to the fence a mere fifteen minutes prior.

I know, I know, you really don't care. But, perhaps you will, the next time you jump into my car for a joy ride and notice the thousands of thumb tacks sitting face-up on the driver's seat and the smell of gasoline now pervading your entire body.

In summation, please take this letter not as a warning, but as a recommendation. Next time you run out of crack, think about how much more money you could make working at McDonald's rather than by breaking into shitty cars to steal Cranberries CDs, or worse, chargers and accessories for electronics you have never (and probably never will) actually own.

That is all.

Heyphilly.com Staff


about the author
Chris Lipczynski
A Temple University graduate, Chris Lipczynski's love affair with Philadelphia has afforded him an intimate knowledge of even the darkest recesses of the city. Interesting facts about Chris include: he is an avid redditor, his family hails from the deep south (Philly) and he has never eaten a candy apple.
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