Sure, the office is going to get a little loose with some mojitos or whatever yuppies are drinking this season, but that doesn’t give you the right to get shitty and throw up all over Janine’s new blouse that she bought on sale from Talbots. Make an effort to curb your inappropriate tendencies and you may not have to send your apology letters this year.
2. Don't Drink Too Little
Being labeled the office stick-in-the-mud is no fun, especially when you beat out Cheryl in accounting who’s constantly complaining about someone eating her Yoplait. But make sure you throw back a couple of cold ones to get the party started and keep yourself mingling. No one wants to hang out with the prude who starts talking about the dangers of the liquid devil every time they smell someone opening a beer.
3. Don't Cheap Out on Your Pollyanna Gift
Nothing is worse than being labeled a cheap ass based on your Pollyanna gift. The limit is usually so low that any gift that falls well under the agreed upon limit will stick out as much as that guy from the movie Powder would at the Apollo Theatre.
4. Make Sure Your Pollyanna Gift isn't too Awesome
We’ve all seen what happens when someone injects a seriously awesome prize into the mix, like on that one episode of The Office. Take care in choosing your gift so that it straddles the line somewhere between a new Droid cell phone and a pack of number 2 pencils.
5. For the Love of God, Don't Dance
Though you may be tempted to, do not freaking dance. Best-case scenario, you impress a few of the ladies and now they all expect you bust a move every time one of them hears about a sale at Lane Bryant. Worst-case, you end up eviscerating the mediocre reputation you’ve built as a non-creepy employee.
6. Always Wear a Hideous/Ironic Holiday Sweater
Everyone loves holiday sweaters. Whether it’s awkward deer, a somewhat creepy Santa or a misshapen snowflake, the holiday sweater is always sure to please even the tightest of asses. Bonus: The bright colors and patterns will confuse older employees so you won't have to listen to them discuss how the Christmas party in 71' was better than this year's.
7. Read Up on the Sexual Harassment Manual and Commit it to Memory
In the heat of the moment, it is often difficult to remember that you are still an employee and that you probably shouldn't be groping the boss's 16 year old daughter. Memorzing the sexual harassment policy will keep the possibility of termination, litigation and a lifetime of embarrassment fresh in your mind. It will also keep you from making unwanted advances towards the new intern as well as your go to plan B, Marge from payroll.
about the author
Chris Lipczynski
A Temple University graduate, Chris Lipczynski's love affair with Philadelphia has afforded him an intimate knowledge of even the darkest recesses of the city. Interesting facts about Chris include: he is an avid redditor, his family hails from the deep south (Philly) and he has never eaten a candy apple.
past articles
Top 10 Philly Comedians
Ten of Philly's best homegrown comics that have mastered the art of the open mic.
Complaint Department: Bouncers
During a recent visit to a certain spot with the latter type of management style, we came up with a few complaints about the way bouncers handle their patrons on a busy Saturday night.
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