Don’t even say an effing word. I know bartenders work really hard to deal with loud and obnoxious drunks who treat you like a housemaid and sometimes “forget” to tip. But I’ve got a few grievances with a certain small percentage of bartenders who, like a quadriplegic yoga instructor, seem to have found the absolute worst occupation considering their unique existence.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re at a club, some hole-in-the-wall bar or at a standard Irish pub, there are a range of bad bartenders that rank from the slightly annoying to the level of douche-ness exhibited by the one and only Spencer Pratt. So in an effort to expose these rare, yet problematic, bartenders, I have compiled a list that profiles each type so you know how to deal with them. So stop waiting 20 minutes to get a beer and read up on how to the deal with the worst bartenders ever.

Iceman is the guy who is quite literally too cool (or too illiterate) for school. He often makes you wait for him to give you his precious attention while he talks to his friend about how many chicks he “boned” last week. Know that he will ignore your pleas for an appletini and only approach you after you’ve waited some indiscriminate amount of time he sees fit. Iceman will also condescend at every opportunity imaginable and generally comes off like he hangs out in places at which you could never dream to be let in-- and that are so cool that they don’t even have a name.

Combat tactic: Stare into his eyes until he can no longer avoid you. Your gaze will be interpreted as a challenge and he will have no choice but to confront you and mock your choice of beverage.

Usually found at larger bars inhabited mostly by sausage, this type of bartender refuses to even try and remember your name each time you put a drink on your tab. Notice that her eyes will never make contact with yours in an effort to display how she is more unattainable than you initially thought. She is usually found in conjunction with Iceman and exhibits similar tendencies to condescend and generally treat you like you’re some creepy mouth-breather who dared to approach her for a drink.

Combat Tactic: Make her open and close your tab between each drink you buy. This way, she’ll engrain your name into her head like some surreal nightmare from her abusive childhood.

The Mayor is that guy who only pays attention to a group of his friends the entire night, forcing you to wait at the bar with your thumb up your ass. Notice how you’ll have to wait an inordinate amount of time to get a round of shots, because he is too busy talking about the Eagles game with his buddies (he's probably a closet Giants fan) and pouring them multiple rounds of free shots, while you think about how many pizzas you had to deliver to make the $30+ it costs for a round.

Combat Tactic: Walk over to his buddies while he’s not with them and introduce yourself as his new boyfriend, Antwone.

Not to be confused with Iceman, Maverick is the hotshot bartender who proceeds to flip the bottle twenty times just to make your mimosa. Maverick, coincidentally, became a bartender after his Uncle took him to see Tom Cruise in “Cocktail” when he was 15. Since then, Maverick has quite neurotically compared every instance in his life to the movie and has made the act of pouring a drink into some convoluted attempt to validate his own existence.

Combat tactics: Put some lube on your empty beer so that when he goes to flip the bottle he’ll hit an attractive woman he's been trying to impress in the face.

Flash Gordon is the bartender who wants nothing more than to be done with his shift and get home to do weird things. He will more than likely screw up your order multiple times per night because he runs off before you’ve even had time to tell him you want a Bud Light instead of a sex on the beach. Witness his spite as he throws your change to you and dumps rounds of beers in front of you like they were grass clippings. Though Flash won’t make you wait as long as other offenders in this list, his disregard for detail will leave you drinking some frilly cocktail you never heard of (or wanted to).

Combat Tactics: If he screws up your drink, order a round of twenty beers and then claim you only ordered one sex on the beach.