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As soon as I heard the Grammy nominations this year, I immediately felt as though a large chunk of my soul was being ripped from body and trampled upon by a million Justin Beiber fans. In hindsight, I should have expected such torment. Each year, the nominees seem to get worse, with the most talentless but, nevertheless, profitable acts being rewarded for the same tired regurgitations of the same songs.

A large majority of diehard music fans have given up on the Grammys by now. They’ve grown tired of catchy, yet predictable music, that’s often ghost written by some balding, middle-aged man who chooses to use his musical skill to make millions of dollars composing songs for Kelly Clarkson’s new Activia-sponsored album. And though this article is not meant to be an indictment of the entire pop music scene, it is meant to highlight some of the more questionable nominations that seem to be acknowledging quantity over quality. That’s why I have compiled the following list, showcasing some of the worst nominations-- which I find to be downright offensive to the existence and pursuit of music.

Record of the Year
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Don’t get me wrong, I love sappy country songs that are as interesting and thought-provoking as a juice box, but Lady Antebellum's album Need You Now just comes off as "really good music to listen to while your waiting to see the dentist". Translation: The only way this should be considered as Record of the Year is if we’re only including Michael Bolton records in the competition.


Song of the Year
Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me
With such touching lyrics like, “Up those stairs in that little back bedroom/
/Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar/I bet you didn’t know under that live oak/My favorite dog is buried in the yard,” Miranda Lambert’s song has about as much originality as a Hallmark Greeting card. I almost shed a tear listening to this song, not because it was moving, but because I instantly lost all faith in music for the rest of my life upon hearing her lyrics.


Best New Artist
Justin Beiber
I must admit that I laughed when I heard about this nomination. Not so much because Justin Beiber is a cruel joke played on my musical sensibilities, but because someone had the audacity to call Justin Beiber an artist. If you’re going to call Justin Beiber an artist then we’ll also have to start calling all the chimpanzees at the zoo artists when they throw feces at onlookers, because that is essentially what Justin Beiber’s is doing to his unsuspecting, notably female (and tween) fans.


Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
Although Lady Gaga has some catchy tunes that don’t completely rape my eardrum, her vocal abilities clearly do not warrant a Grammy nomination, let alone a karaoke performance. If we’re going to be honest, we should nominate the studio engineer and auto-tune device that allows her voice to sounds like it is in tune and not a mannish shrill that belongs in a Dario Argento film. Also, I do not understand what any of her songs are about. Who is Alejandro and why does she want me to poke her face?


Best Male Pop Vocal Performance
Adam Lambert- Whataya Want From Me
Perhaps the most offensive nomination in my eyes, Adam Lambert’s performance on Whataya Want From Me (seriously, do we HAVE to spell it like that?) is about as impressive as a family portrait drawn by a three-year-old with Tourette’s. For starters, the song annoys me like a bad hangnail and to answer your question, Adam; what I want from you is to stop singing. Also, please stop trying to look like Bowie. Bowie made the whole "androgynous look" cool, while your look just succeeds in making you look even gayer than you already are, which, I’ll admit, is quite the accomplishment in and of itself.




about the author
Chris Lipczynski
A Temple University graduate, Chris Lipczynski's love affair with Philadelphia has afforded him an intimate knowledge of even the darkest recesses of the city. Interesting facts about Chris include: he is an avid redditor, his family hails from the deep south (Philly) and he has never eaten a candy apple.
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