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There are few things that irritate me more than a bad Christmas gift besides maybe world hunger or Jamie Kennedy. The most horrible part about getting a bad gift is that society says you are supposed to feel thankful for it even though it sucks ass. The result is that when I get a bad gift, I usually end up feeling a strange mix of guilt, frustration and rage the likes of which usually accompany an existential, mid-life crisis, “Am I bad person for not being thankful for that USB toaster Uncle Peggy got me? But why would he think I’d like that piece of shit? He did this on purpose didn’t he?”

Do yourself a favor, matter of fact, do everyone a favor, don’t fake smile your way through the holidays this year. Commit the following gifts to memory and make sure your loved ones know to avoid them so that you don’t have nervous breakdown and run away to Boise, Idaho.



Tony Hawk's Ride
Tony Hawk, in a pitiful effort reclaim his position as king of the skating games, released this veritable piece of garbage last year and it’s about as fun to use as one of those cameras they jam up your ass during a colonoscopy. Sure the concept seems like a good idea at first, but once you realize how unresponsive the board is you’ll immediately redirect your attention to the board’s capability to smash large objects and weaker siblings. Add all this to the fact that I don’t want to have to get off my fat ass to play a video game and you’ve got yourself a seriously shitty gift.


Socks
If anyone ever gives you socks for the holidays make sure to thank them, for you now have an excellent way to suffocate them whilst you torture them in the basement for the REAL gift. Buying someone socks is as thoughtful as a Charles Bronson shootout at an Elementary school; it shows extremely poor foresight and is liable to wind up causing small children to die.


Burnt CDs
Burnt CDs are the ultimate “fuck you” when it comes to gift giving. For starters, who uses CDs anyway? I mean, last time I checked my calendar it’s 2010. Secondly, if you’re going give me a CD, at least take the 5 minutes to rummage through any bargain bin at the mall so I can at least admire the liner notes and album artwork. Worse yet is if there’s no jewel case included, in which case you might have been better off shitting in a jewel case and wrapping it.


Stupid Homemade Coupons
Ok, I’ll admit. Before I started making as much money as an indigent hot dog salesman, I would sometimes give my Mom these worthless pieces of paper in an effort to save money for bouncy balls and fish pens. But all these coupons do is highlight whatever shortcomings you may already have. You see, if you give you mom or significant other a coupon to clean the living room 3 times without complaining, you’re just admitting that you’re a lazy asshole who has turned the opportunity to show how thankful you are into a selfish, insincere masquerade.


DVDs
You’re not fooling anybody, Jack; we know you bought that Independence DVD from the Wall Mart checkout bin for $2.99. DVD’s, while still somewhat relevant, really aren’t a necessary item to own anymore, especially for those of us who have Netflix and have realized the glory of streaming instantly. Giving someone a DVD is like giving someone a condom, they’ll use it once and remove it from their penis and throw it in the garbage- something like that anyway.



Candy/Food
While it’s perfectly acceptable to give someone candy after they unwrap the 60-inch flat-screen you gave them, it is certainly not ok to give someone an exclusively edible holiday gift. My main criticism here is that the gift, while it may be a tasty treat or a salty snack, will only last a day or two before I inhale it and remove it as waste. So basically you’re giving potential energy that I could otherwise attain by ingesting any other inanimate object within arm’s length. There is one exception here, and that would, of course, be those popcorn tins with the three different kinds of popcorn. Those are not only acceptable, but also encouraged.


Sentimental Gifts
Sentimental gifts, while normally cherished by woman and other weaker creatures, are not useful objects and are therefore extraneous to my holiday manifesto. So don’t give me a necklace made from all my baby teeth or some haggard stuffed animal I used to cling to when I was a child. Let me propose this rule to you: For every one sentimental gift, you will receive one free haymaker and round-house kick.




about the author
Chris Lipczynski
A Temple University graduate, Chris Lipczynski's love affair with Philadelphia has afforded him an intimate knowledge of even the darkest recesses of the city. Interesting facts about Chris include: he is an avid redditor, his family hails from the deep south (Philly) and he has never eaten a candy apple.
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