Depending on the type of family you have, the holiday season can be either a wonderful time to celebrate and give thanks with loved ones or a heinous pit of rage, jealously and despair akin to a sexual encounter with Carrot Top.
But before you wash that Xanax down with a box of wine just to get though your cousin Donny’s vicious rant on socialized medicine, check out our Holiday Survival Guide for the best methods to cope with the frustration, anxiety and excruciating regret that the holidays bring. You may still need that vino, but trust us; the damage won’t be irreparable like it was last year (sorry Aunt Opal, in all fairness, who could have known that Mittens’ fur was extremely flammable).
1. Have everyone open their gifts at the same time
Giving gifts is an important part of the holidays. Unfortunately, it can turn into an endless chasm of annoyance considering your Great Aunt incessantly oohs and aahs at every single gift, in addition to holding it up and displaying it for everyone one to see. Consider The Thunder Dome Method where everyone opens his or her gifts at once, creating a frenzy of ribbon, wrapping paper and blood. Whoever finishes first is the winner and subsequently gets to usurp one choice gift from everyone else in the family.
Example: “I am the gift king, yield before my power! Bow before the council of elders and submit unto me your IPads and Xbox 360 paraphernalia!”
2. Avoid any and all discussions about religion and/or politics
There’s a thin grey line between conversing over, say, the recent rise in gas prices and having to explain to your sister-in-law that the Federal Reserve isn’t actually a part of the United States government. Try to diffuse what are sure to be heated political debates with prepared non-sequiturs.
Example: “Well, all I’m saying is that once gays can get married what’s to stop someone from marrying their pet goat or their car for that matter?”
“Does anyone else love pumpkin pie, but hate pumpkin soup?”
3. Let your older, less successful siblings’ passive aggressive remarks slide
Sure, Tammy never congratulated you when you got that promotion and she never apologized when she broke your Chevy Malibu’s side mirror while borrowing your car to pick up some Newports, but in the name of sanity, let her wallow in her own self-hate. If you must, just return her backhanded compliment with another.
Example: “I thought writers made more money than that.”
“That’s weird, I always thought manic-depressive alcoholics were supposed to be funny during the holidays.”
4. Stay away from Eggnog and other strange, alcoholic concoctions
I’ll never understand the draw of Eggnog and every other vile holiday mixed drink. Never once have I been drinking and thought to myself, this is really good, but it’s needs more milk and nutmeg. So when your family offers you some eggnog or Limon cello, simply tell them that you’re lactose intolerant and might end up yakking all over the Christmas goose.
Example: “Make sure you try some of my homemade eggnog, it’s delicious.”
“Sure, I’ll have some, just make sure you dial 911 and get the stomach pump ready beforehand.”
5. When dealing with your significant other’s parents, short answers are always best
It’s probably not a good idea to extol the drawbacks of tax cuts for the rich. Nor is it a good idea to explain that you missed the Two and a Half Men season finale because the show is about as funny as testicular cancer. Your best bet is to try to keep any and all responses to simple yes or no answers.
Example: “You know Obama is a Kenyan Muslim, right?”
“No, I didn’t know that.”
6. Don’t let your grandma depress everyone with her sob stories from the Great Depression
So your Father accidentally mentioned the failing American economy, spiraling your grandma into a furious rant on how, in her day, they survived by eating newspaper trimmings and rich men’s’ buttons. Do your best to disarm her with a joke and hopefully she’ll forget where she is and what she was talking about.
Example: “We survived for two months on a single jar of pickled beats!”
“I would have taken my chances with the buttons!”
7. Remember, every shitty gift you receive is one more gift you won’t have to buy for somebody else
It can be difficult to feign a smile when your mom gives you socks or a USB-powered toaster for the holidays. But instead of mustering a thinly veiled smile, think about how you won’t need to search or spend money on your girlfriend or boyfriend’s pissy younger brother, Chaz.
Example: “I noticed your socks were filthy so I thought you could use another pair.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll cherish these forever.” (Awesome, Chaz will hate these!)
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