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1. Which phrase best describes your nearest neighbor?
A) Conservative heiress who collects rare nutcrackers.
B) 20-something street artist with no obvious means of income but a really expensive fixed-gear bike.
C) A working class family who enjoys watching "Big Bang Theory" and "Two and Half Men," loudly I might add.
D) A reclusive hoarder with no obvious means of income whose backyard resembles the set of "Sanford and Son."
2. How many bandit signs are on your block?
A) What's a bandit sign?
B) Less than five.
C) Less than 10 but I've got a slew of options if I ever want to find the "World's Best Crab Cake."
D) I think one is being nailed to my door right now.
3. How close are you the nearest half-way home?
A) Is that a charity of some sort? I think I gave to them at last year's annual Homeless Gala.
B) More than ten blocks.
C) Less than ten blocks.
D) I live in a half-way house, wanna fight about it?
4. Does your local deli have thick plexiglass protecting the cashier?
A) I only buy farm fresh cold cuts from Whole Foods.
B) No.
C) Yes, and it's annoying because you have to grasp your chicken cheesesteak at a really weird angle.
D) My deli burned down two years ago after a triple homicide. They suspects remain free to this day.
5. How long would you feel comfortable leaving your front door unlocked?
A) All day. Our doorman, Reginald, keeps out the riff-raff.
B) One to two hours during the day, but only if I'm up the street.
C) Not at all.
D) You're joking, right?
6. How many gunshots do you hear each year?
A) None.
B) Less than five but most of them are probably fireworks.
C) More than five but I'm a Temple student so I'm used to it- what was that sound?!
D) More than 20, but it's ok because I keep a shotgun behind the front door.
7. How safe is your car at night?
A) Oh, I wouldn't know. Donny usually parks it in the garage.
B) Safe, it's never been broken into.
C) There are occasional break-ins, but I got The Club, so they'll skip over to the next '95 Accord.
D) You shouldn't park that here. Don't say I didn't warn you.
8. How much change do you give out per year?
A) Change? is that what the peasants are using as currency nowadays?
B) $1 to $5.
C) $5 to $10.
D) I don't usually dip into my savings account.
9. Would you feel comfortable spending an afternoon in the nearest park?
A) Yes, I always walk Jezebel after Sunday brunch.
B) Very comfortable.
C) Somewhat comfortable, if I stay away from that one bench.
D) Absolutely not.
10. In general, how would you describe your neighborhood's appearance?
A) Art deco.
B) Artsy, but not pretentious.
C) Acceptable levels of litter and well-kept housing.
D) Post-apocalytpic.
Results
A= 4 points | B= 3 points | C= 2 points | D= 1 point
40 Points
We get it; you're rich. What are you doing taking this test, anyway? Shouldn't you be at a banquet somewhere in Rittenhouse Square?
30-39 Points
Congrats! You're most likely in a quaint, "up and coming" Philly neighborhood! To be sure, confirm that the ratio of wheat pastes to Vegan-themed cafes is directly proportional.
20-29 Points
Don't fret. You're probably in South Philly or another comparable neighborhood that, by and large, is a nice place to live. Just keep an eye on those kids down the street and remember to never move a parking space saver. You never know who it could belong to.
10-19 Points
Get off your neighbor's Wifi connection, you miscreant. |
