Avoid Politics
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Nothing ruins a Thanksgiving feast like your Uncle's Beckian rant on the inevitable "breakdown of society." And while avoiding political discussions is a simple rule, it can be tricky to adhere to. There are so many segues into political discussion that you may find yourself debating the geopolitical importance of Rick Perry's hair before you even realize how you got there. Here's a tip, any time you reach the precipice of a political argument just interject with, "how 'bout them Eagles?" The conversation will quickly turn into one unified front. |
Don't Talk About Penn State
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The old high school saying that Penn State is 13th grade for Pennsylvanians is still true and you can never be sure which one of your cousins’ girlfriends went to the there and is currently undergoing an existential crisis. Under no circumstances should you bring up the Penn State scandal as die-hard alumni may take offense and ruin the meal for everyone. Plus, it's a terrible situation and you shouldn't be depressing everyone by talking about it. |
Watch Home Alone or Planes, Trains & Automobiles
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Spending an inordinate amount of time with relatives you barely see all year can be grueling and excruciatingly awkward. Sure, there's the minimal small talk that lasts for about 10 minutes but then reality kicks in and you realize you need to socialize with these pseudo-strangers for the rest of the night. Heed my advice and make an effort to buy, rent or order Home Alone and Planes, Trains & Automobiles. Aside from being hilarious, holiday appropriate movies, they'll keep everyone quiet and pace the conversation so that you don't have to eat your Thanksgiving dinner in an uncomfortable silence. |
If You're Going to Fry Your Turkey, Please Learn the Correct Method
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Every year people burn their house down because they insist on frying a turkey instead of cooking it normally like virtually everyone else in country. If for some reason you still insist on frying your bird, please learn the proper procedure and make sure it’s not one of those turduckens- they freak people out. |
Don't Skimp on the Butter
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Butter is no doubt the heady ether that makes every holiday worth the time you spend preparing for it. But sometimes ultra-health-conscious chefs (i.e. my Mom) neglect this universal truth, much to the other diners dismay. This is a simple rule for our survivor guide but yet it begs repeating: Be sure to use as much butter as human(e)ly possible. In doing so, you’ll optimize whatever free range, low-fat, non-fat, sugar-free dish you’re serving and everything will taste creamy and delicious as it should. |
Stay Away from Eggnog and other Strange Alcoholic Beverages
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I’ll never understand the draw of Eggnog and every other vile holiday mixed drink. Never once have I been drinking and thought to myself, this is really good, but it’s needs more milk and nutmeg. So when your family offers you some eggnog or Limon cello, simply tell them that you’re lactose intolerant and might end up yakking all over the turkey. |
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