1. Cease All Flash Mob Activity
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No, not the flash mobs that involve impromptu dancing and placid 80s music, I’m talking about the ones that indiscriminately target unsuspecting bystanders. 2011 was the year of the flash mob for Philadelphia, and despite the large strides our city has been has been taking to better our infrastructure and general well-being, Philly caught quite a bad reputation from the international news circuit. It’s time to end it. Perhaps at 5pm curfew is in order, Mayor Nutter. |
2. Stop Leaving Our Children in Cars Outside the Casino
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The fact that this is even a widespread problem makes Philly seem like the absolute trashiest city on earth. There's nothing wrong with gambling and there's nothing wrong with being a parent. But converging the two roles into one, heinously irresponsible act just serves to make the rest look as low-rent as you are. Use your winnings to hire a babysitter, please, before the casino implements a coin-operated playpen. Actually, that might work better. |
3. Bring Back Larry Mendte
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Anyone who knows me is well aware of my fascination/obsession with Larry Mendte's public fall from grace. It had everything: public shame, a behind-the-scenes look into Alicia Lane’s sex life and espionage. The former golden boy was the face of Philly's local news (all due to respect to the Godfather Gartner) but Mendte’s been pretty much out of the spotlight for the majority of 2011.
Needless to say, it's time for a comeback, a meteoric rise from the ashes and reclamation of his rightful seat at the throne of Philly media. I smell a reality show… |
4. Teach Mayor Nutter a New Rap
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This is not a repeat from last year. Ok, it is.
The first time you heard Mayor Nutter perform “Rapper’s Delight” was pretty cool- I mean, dude looks like a dork minus the pocket protector on most days. But after hearing Nutter’s flow again and again, we think it’s time for him to pick a new song. Perhaps this will better suit him. |
5. No More "Philly Cheesesteak" Knock-Offs
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While this is something we can't directly control, the numerous rip-off cheesesteaks are starting to irreparably cheapen the original sandwich that makes us so proud. In the immortal words of Tony, Elaine’s boyfriend for an episode in Seinfield, Subway, Arby's and any other national chain for that matter just need to “step off.”
Next time you see one these horrible mockeries, report it to us and every other blog/loud person you know so that it can stop once and for all. |
6. Get the PPA to Translate Their Impossible-To-Decipher Parking Signage
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Although we've entered the 19th century by allowing Philadelphians to pay for parking using a debit card, the signage is still more baffling than Russell Brand's fame.
Can't we just ban loading zones altogether? I've got to unload myself from my car, why doesn't that count? |
7. Do Not Replace the Sixers Mascot with a Moose
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As most people know, the Sixers have new ownership. And now that their abbreviated season has been confirmed, the Sixers are asking fans to vote for their next mascot. However, the choices are somewhat, well, weird to put it bluntly. A moose has about as much to do with Philadelphia as the Toronto Raptor. On second thought, even a Raptor would be better than a moose.
Also, is there any backstory to B Franklin Dog? Is he some sort of time traveling dog who, in a freak experiment during colonial times, accidentally crossed souls with the real Ben Franklin? |
8. Expand Free Parking for the Holidays Idea
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It's really a wonder that no one thought of this idea before. The money gained by the influx of shoppers who don't have to worry about a $40 ticket when shopping downtown far outweighs the amount of fines the PPA would collect.
So why not expand on this idea? How about every second Tuesday and third Friday of every month, parking is free. And also weekends, weekends are all free. Yeah, and every other weekday, too, that sounds nice.
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9. Someone Cancel "Jersey Shore"
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I realize I may be on my own for this one, but I'm sick and tired of having to read every little story involving these talentless hacks who fell ass-backwards into money and fame. If your idea of good entertainments involves marveling at a bunch of superficial drunkards whose intelligence levels fly in the face Darwin's theory of evolution, than you should move to L.A. and let the rest of us get on with our regularly scheduled programing. |
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