1. Stay Away from Energy Saving Lights
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This year my family made the horrible mistake of buying these new-fangled Christmas lights that are supposed to save energy or whales or something. But while saving the environment and all that crap is great, these lights are seriously lacking that special, holiday warmth glow that makes December so special in the first place. Now when we turn on our Christmas tree, it feels more like someone turned on an aquarium light. Sure, you may save money, but you'll end up sacrificing holiday cheer as a result, cheapie. |
2. Enough with the Fake Trees
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After about the fifth Christmas with our fake tree, it's starting to look more like some sort of medieval torture device. It’s lost that once spellbinding, fake, chemical hue and I think the leaves are starting to rust. And besides that, fake trees are getting seriously expensive, so I'd imagine the real tree market has probably adjusted its prices to compete with the fakies by now. |
3. Take It East with the Ugly Sweaters
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Don't get me wrong; ugly sweaters are great. But they've just about completed their first ironical comeback so they're starting to fade back into obscurity from whence they came. Anyway, just be aware that pretty much everyone owns one now and you can no longer be that one guy/girl at your office party with a jokey sweater. I think reindeer ears may be the new ugly sweater, so go for that. |
4. Stay Away from Eggnog and Other Strange, Alcoholic Concoctions
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There’s a thin grey line between conversing over, say, the recent rise in gas prices and having to explain to your sister-in-law that the Federal Reserve isn’t actually a part of the United States government. Try to diffuse what are sure to be heated political debates with prepared non-sequiturs.
Example: “Well, all I’m saying is that once gays can get married what’s to stop someone from marrying their pet goat or their car for that matter?”
“Who else love pumpkin pie, but hate pumpkin soup?” |
5. Feel Free to Wrap Your Gift in Tin Foil
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I'm tired of all these people who make a big deal about wrapping paper. Who cares what's covering this amazing gift I so graciously bought you? Oh, what's that? You're upset I wrapped it in tin foil? How about I take it back altogether. Tin foil is a perfectly acceptable wrapping paper; it's shiny, easy to open and you can draw all over it. Get of your high horse, Rockefeller; times are tough. |
6. Take it East Christmas Eve
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I've got an Italian family, so Christmas Eve is our jump-off event during December. But every year I seem to make the mistake of having too much fun and my next morning is a haze of gifts, food that makes me want to vomit. Actually, it's not morning because I usually wake up at like 1 pm. So take it easy on Xmas Eve, this way your parents won't yell at you for sleeping in and missing dear old Santy Claus. |
7. Remember: Every Crappy Gift is One More Gift You Won’t Have to Buy for Someone Else
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It can be difficult to feign a smile when your mom gives you colored pencils or a USB-powered toaster for the holidays. But instead of mustering a thinly veiled smile, think about how you won’t need to search or spend money on your girlfriend or boyfriend’s pissy younger brother, Chaz. Example: “I noticed your socks were filthy so I thought you could use another pair.” “Thanks, Mom. I’ll cherish these forever.” (Awesome, Chaz will hate these!) |
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