Featuring one of the cheesiest music videos of the 80s (no small feat) and one rather, er, confused George Michael, "Last Christmas" is one of the most banal Christmas songs the world has ever known. It's like they actually tried to make a song that evokes an emotional homeostasis. It also doesn't help that Wham! was one of the least timeless bands in the history of music.

Alvin and The Chipmunks- "Christmas Don't Be Late"

I was somewhat hesitant to include this song because it is somewhat enjoyable upon first listen. But its novelty quickly wears off after you’ve been carrying 20 pounds of shrimp for 40 minutes in line at the grocery store. I think somewhere there's a group of scientists in a lab who are still baffled that they can't artificially create a voice more annoying than the chipmunks’.

Gayla Peevey- "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas "

For lack of a better quip, this song is just plain old dumb. Who would even want a hippopotamus? Despite their affable representation in the board game, "Hungry Hippos," a real life hippo will tear you apart. I don’t even want to think what it could do to a small child. Additionally, the kid seems pretty spoiled don’t you think? "Only a hippopotamus will do."- really, kid? How about I don't get you anything and you get a job down at the mill? Will that "do"?

The Smashing Pumpkins- "Christmastime "

I was taken aback just to find out this song actually exists and is not a Weird Al parody. Bill Corgan and his Pumpkins pretty much defined goth for a moment back in the mid 90s, and he somehow mustered the arrogance to record a touching tribute to Christmas that still makes me feel like I'm under the table at a 7th grade, crying.