The Kid Who Constantly Reminds You He Went to UPenn
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I generally stay away from University City because of this guy right here. You can usually find him in any of the ultra-popular bars around Drexel and Penn, talking macroecomics or waxing philosophical with his pals who are also somehow more uninteresting than a handful of lint. He makes our list just for the fact that he incessantly works in his UPenn diploma into any and all conversations. Never engage this person lest you suffer the pain that arises from his stories that all begin with, "This one time back at Penn," or "Man, I went to Penn." There is one way to defeat him but you’d have to be a Harvard or Princeton grad to do it. |
The Scary Mummer Who Doesn't Think You Should be at the 2nd Street Parade
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The 2nd Street Mummers Parade is one of Philly’s most secluded celebrations; it's basically just a parade to show you're a South Philly native. While others are certainly welcome to join in the celebration, at around 8pm you'll inevitably run into a mummer in full garb (well, now half-garb I guess, since he lost his umbrella and his makeup is running) questioning your right to occupy precious "two street" real estate. It doesn't matter that your grandma lives there, he automatically assumes you’re just some suburban interloper. You cannot defeat him so just hand him a beer and hope your Uncle shows up in time. |
The Guy Working at BP Who Can't Hear/Understand Anything Behind the Glass
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They're usually very friendly but they either can't understand your thick Philly accent or the speaker they use to hear you through the glass is broken. Whatever the reason, the whole encounter basically turns into something that resembles a human operated vending machine:
"Pack of Camels and a Red Gatorade. No, that's an expired pack of gum. No, that's a pack of Pretzel M&Ms. On second thought, I'll take the M&Ms. No, to your right. Up one. No, to the left, now diagonally up. No, behind that. ARGGHHH!" Bring a whiteboard and a Sharpie and just start playing Pictionary- it’s faster.
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The Guy Who Can't Drive on the Trolley Tracks
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You'll usually find him on Girard Avenue, weaving in and out of the hard-to-define lanes, trying desperately not to slip and slide all over the road. It takes practice, my friend. That, and sheer fearlessness. The best way to deal with him is show him how it's done. Just grip the wheel tightly (but not too tightly) and position your vehicle such that one tire is on the inside of the tracks and the other, on the outside. On second thought, that's pretty easy to do. |
The Guy Who Doesn't Move Once a Seat Opens Up on SEPTA
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This "worst person" occasionally presents himself during a crowded ride on SEPTA's subway or Regional Rail. You've got the window seat and he sits next to you- no big deal. Then, the seat right next to him clears out and he just sits there, reading his iPad and crowding your personal bubble with a level of ignorance previously unknown to mankind. There are numerous ways to combat to deal with him, but my favorite method is to just make pretend my wallet is a cell phone and start acting loopy! |
"That Girl" at the Bar
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Yes, you know the one. It's usually her birthday and she wants everyone to know it, hence the giant sash she wears. She insists on speaking loud enough so that everyone can hear whatever unimportant drama she currently has to deign to deal with. She also uses that heinous style of speech where her voice gets higher the closer she gets to the end of her sentence. Unfortunately, there is no polite way to deal with her, so you'll just have to mosey on over to another bar or join in the drama letting. |
Guys Who Wear Blazers and "Bar Hops" in Old City
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These are the type of guys who were "cool" in high school but due to a lack of knowledge regarding social norms and an extreme superiority complex, they've managed to spiral into strange and uncomfortable social obscurity in college. Their affinity towards fisticuffs means you'll usually find them in the middle of Market Street at around 2am, with their shirt off. The best way to deal with them is make sure the bouncer witnesses his stupidity, then he'll take care of the rest. |
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