8. Teach Mayor Nutter a New Rap
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We're downright proud of our unassuming, yet wholly capable leader. But there's one problem: He likes to rap...a lot. Ok, maybe that's not a problem since most mayors wouldn't dare endeavor to take part in such, well, common pursuits. The real problem is that Mayor Nutter only knows one song, "Rapper's Delight." It's a great song and his delivery is impeccable for a politician, but after about the fifth time he performed it, I found myself begging for some Big WIllie Style. How about you learn Warren G's verse in "Regulators", Mayor? The political overtones in that song are ripe for the picking. |
7. Somehow Mollify the City's Overreaction to Snowfall
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In case you haven't noticed, we live well above the equator, Philly. As such, we will inevitably receive snowfall from time to time, most often during the winter months. But you can learn to cope with it. You don't need to rush to the store and inconvenience people who, as it happens, actually need groceries, just so you can stock up on Pop Tarts and Gushers. I assure you that should the snowpocalypse actually occur, only precious gem stones found in the Earth's lower mantle will be honored by our Ice Titan overlords. |
6. Plant More Trees Everywhere
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Trees are an invaluable assest for urban cities. Just look at parts of North and West Philly and behold the desert-like landscapes that indiscriminately kill any and all signs of life or prosperity. While it may seriously screw up our sidewalks for future generations, planting more trees will inevitably make the city look nicer and, at the very least, obscure the heaps of trash that adorn our streets. |
5. Implement Major Fines for Subway Urinators
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No matter where you are in the city you're, the subway steps will invariably smell like urine. But rather than hand out complemintary urinal cakes to subway riders, why not impose hefty fines for those non-potty-trained commuters? Surely one $1,000 fine would deter these beasts from scumming up or precious subway stations or at least contribute to a clean up crew of some sort. |
4. Throw Trash Cans Everywhere
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Most out-of-towners have one major complaint regarding Philadelphia: We generally lack trash cans. Chris Hardwick from The Nerdist Podcast once railed against this sad Philly fact, stating that he walked almost ten blocks looking for a trash can to throw out his Starbucks coffee cup...only to wind up entering another Starbucks to use the trash can...and buy another coffee. It's a perpetual cycle, really. So, instead of buying really expensive, solar-powered trash cans that won't open once they're filled, just buy ten times as many and throw them everywhere. |
3. Do Something About I-76...Now
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Any commuter who takes a job in Conshohocken or the surrouding area has to deal with one of the most forbidding and maddening highways in America: I-76. With two narrow lanes and almost constant traffic, 76 is the arch nemesis of the commuter. Even worse is the fact that once you're on it, escape is pretty much impossible since all exits lead to Manayunk or other similarly hard to maneuver locales. Add a lane, heck, add another level or at least blow the damn thing up and put us all out of our collective misery. |
2. Renovate Our Public Transportation System
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While our entire transportation system as a whole is not the worst in the country, it certainly isn't the best, especially when you consider that we use the same technology as Chuck E. Cheese. SEPTA is actualy doing something about this. They'll be slowly implementing digital payment passes and phasing out the token over the next few years. Now if we could just get rid of those hideous orange seats- they're just the worst. |
1. Bring Back Larry Mendte
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The Golden Boy has been gone far too long now and the hole he left in our local media landscape (not to mention my heart) has never quite been filled. Sure, we have the cybor-like musings of Tim Lake and the unexcelled class and dignity of one Jim Gardner, but for my money, nobody can deliver the news quite like Larry. Sure, he's a cut-throat competitor behind the scenes, but that's the kind of attitude I like in a newscaster- hear that, Tracy Davidson? |
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