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Every year you spend months thinking about which dead celebrity or culturally relevant metaphor you should be for Halloween. But every year wind up on some unwieldy, overbearing contraption that turns your night into a sweaty daze of near-falls and verbal miscommunications. So, in an effort to save your night, we've compiled a list of costume rules that will optimize your Halloween experience... or at least make it better than last year's Avatar mishap.

Size Matters

  One of the most crucial aspects of a Halloween costume is size. While having those giant spider legs protruding from your back may seem important to your overall costume, you'll wind up constantly getting hooked on door hinges and tree branches the entire night, deflating any sense of costume pride you may manage to glean. As a rule, try and retain your subjective space when choosing a costume. If your outfit requires a cardboard box, abort. If you can fit through a doorway without cringing, you're good to go.



Avoid Mask-Oriented Costumes

  Going heavy on the mask can only mean bad things (you never go FULL MASK). Even though it may be a $300, Sarah Palin replica you got off of Ebay that no one else is wearing, a mask is either going to end up on the top of your head all night or it's going to force you into a sweaty fit of rage and/or seizure. Also, verbal communication is at least ten times harder than it normally would be during a party so do yourself a favor and invest in some face paint.



Avoid the Obvious

  This rule is sort of obvious, no pun intended. You know that everyone and their mother is going to be a dead Michael Jackson or Amy Winehous (see Steve Irwin circa 2006) so just give up on those idea from the start. Originality always beats out relevance when it comes to Halloween. So please, no Joe Calderones.



Ladies, Don't Go Overboard

  It's common knowledge that Halloween for some females is just an excuse to dress provocatively and get attention that your sweat pants don't otherwise provide for. But, there is a tipping point here. Go to far off the deep-end with those fishnet stockings and "tube top" and you may just wind up catching evil looks from your more conservative friends. Uh, on second thought, just wear whatever you want lest I be kicked out of The Man Club.



Standard Costumes are Out

  Since we're all adults here, the standard Halloween garb has to go. There so many pointlessly unimaginative costumes that the same people use every year as an excuse to NOT use their tiny brains. The following "generic" costumes are off limits: cop, doctor, nurse, football player, golfer, fireman, construction worker, ghost, cow or witch. You may be tempted to simply add the qualifier "dead" in front of any one of these but this is unacceptable, unless you're being a Phillies player...whoah that was meta.



Do Not Wear a Non-Costume Costume

  Everyone looks down upon these sorry excuses for creativty and rightly so. Just because you and your friend put on a "Hi My Name is" nametage on and wrote in each other's names doesn't mean you have a clever costume. There are a few exceptions to this rule but they've got to go beyond mere representation and reach levels of parody and metaphor far beyond the reach of your average person's intellect. Being Neo is not a Halloween costume!




about the author
Heyphilly.com Staff
The Heyphilly.com staff possesses insider knowledge of the best bars and restaurants in the city and prides themselves on bringing you the best beer and food specials in town. Think we deserve some lovin' for our no-holds-barred view on the city? How about some thinly-veiled hate mail? Drop us a line here: editorial@aycmedia.com. Either way, we love attention.

 
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